The Fog

[Fogdude]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick
gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job.
I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges
as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me???"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it!

thefog.jpg (192.64 KiB) Viewed 10274 times

[VincentLupo]

[ctaulbee]

[Pip]

[chouette]

OMG too funny!

[Fogdude]

Years ago, there was a contest at some university to write a short story in 55 words or less. An online discussion group I was in decided to do its own similar competition & the winner's entry was to be published in the group's monthly newsletter. I won.

The short story I wrote is below:

The bearded giant approached from the end of the bar and said, "Overheard you say you're from Clearfield."
"Yeah, why?"
"So'm I. Chased some tail there."
"Who didn't?"
"Ever run across Vickie Westerland?"
"Ouch! What a dog, 'less you're drunk, why?"
As he put the knife to my throat, he said, "I married her."

Maybe someone would like to take a crack at it, too? The rules are simply that it must be 55 words or less & must comply with the basic elements of a complete short story.

[Fogdude]

The difference between Chivalry & Chauvinism is like the difference between Flirting & Harassment, If she thinks you're hot, you've got no problem. If she thinks you're a toad... It's all in the eye of the beholder.

[Fogdude]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up – homemaker, teacher, nurse, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, he replied, “Well my mother’s an exotic dancer in a Club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, “Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
"Nope,” the boy reluctantly said, “She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I didn’t want to embarrass her In front of the other kids."

[Pip]

[chouette]

OMG!

[ctaulbee]

[Fogdude]

Getting older, as we do, and doing things we do as we get older, as we do, I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As I passed through the kitchen, I happened to look out through the rear windows. I noticed a diaper-headed Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished at what I’d seen, I got back into bed.

My wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"

“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.

Spoiler Block

“That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”

[Pip]

[chouette]

OMG, I wasn't expecting this Fog! Too funny!

[ctaulbee]

[VincentLupo]

[Fogdude]

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement.
Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets
at various heights, and windows all over the place
and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot
green with pink trim.
The City Council told me;
“Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!?”
So, I sent in the application again, but this time

Spoiler Block

I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday.
And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country.
It's the government that scares the crap out of me!

[Fogdude]

Every time I see Vincent Lupo's name, I imagine Chewy pronouncing it 'van-saw'. Just can't help myself.

[chouette]

Every time I see Vincent Lupo's name, I imagine Chewy pronouncing it 'van-saw'. Just can't help myself.

Close...

[Fogdude]

[ctaulbee]

[Fogdude]

I thought Pip might enjoy it...

[Pip]

I thought Pip might enjoy it...

It's an old one Foggy. Although I now live in Wales I'm English

[Fogdude]

Hey, being old doesn't mean it can't be funny! I'm really old & my wife still thinks I'm hilarious. All I have to do is ask if she'd like to have a little 'cuddle' & she's like, ROTFLHAO!

[Pip]