Politics Translated

The place to share funny pics, jokes and stories.

Politics Translated

Postby Pip » Mon Apr 27, 2015 2:47 pm

This is based on the (soon) UK election but can be transposed to any politician/party in any country. ;)

We have no plans


A popular phrase, heard almost every day, e.g. ‘We have no plans to increase VAT.’ Translation: ‘We’re going to increase VAT.’ Sometimes this will be heard with the word ‘absolutely’, as in ‘we have absolutely no plans to increase VAT’. Translation: ‘We are definitely going to increase VAT.’ May also be heard in the context of possible post-election scenarios: ‘We have no plans to go into coalition with any other party.’ Translation: ‘We’d shack up with a bunch of rabid left-wing/right-wing meatheads if it got us through the door of Number 10.’

Let me make this crystal clear

Let me repeatedly avoid answering the question. Sometimes takes the form of 'let me be absolutely clear.'

What I want to say is this

I’m going to answer, but not the question I’ve been asked.

It’s the right thing to do

It’s the wrong thing to do, but we’re going to do it anyway. In some contexts, can also mean ‘we haven’t a clue why we’re proposing this, but we want you to feel we have a conscience.’

Hardworking families

Almost everyone except beggars, scroungers, spongers and people who look a bit foreign.

Long term economic plan

Making things up as we go along.

Taking tough decisions

Breaking promises. Can also mean cutting benefits to the disabled.

We will balance the books

We might balance the books but it’s highly unlikely.

There are no easy answers

There are easy answers but they all involve putting up taxes and we’re scared to tell people that.

We’ll crack down on tax avoidance

We’ll ask Starbucks to give us a couple of hundred quid.

Supporting small businesses

Supporting large businesses.

A Northern powerhouse

Refurbishing a former department store in Manchester and calling it ‘a business incubator’.

A business incubator

A former department store in Manchester, now filled with hipsters drinking flat whites.

It’s part of an overall package

It won’t make a blind bit of difference.

With all due respect

I hate you.

Triple lock

An absolute guarantee (may expire without warning).

We are the party that are committed to protecting the NHS

Let’s face it, it’ll soon be known as Virgin Health Care and anyhow everyone I know goes private.

We’re rolling this out across the country

The whole thing’s years behind schedule.

Getting more people on to the housing ladder

Pushing up property prices.

We’ve had it fully costed

We haven’t a clue how we’ll pay for it so stop asking stupid questions.

Those with the broadest shoulders

Rich bastards.

Making work pay

Sanctioning the jobless for arriving five minutes late for an interview.

There is no instant solution

God, that was a bloody difficult question. Why on earth did I agree to come on this programme?

Of course I’m committed to a greener environment, but to combat climate change we need a wide range of energy options, and for the time being that includes oil, gas, and nuclear

My constituents don’t like wind turbines. And anyway, I’m much too busy to worry about the destruction of the planet.

We’re campaigning to win an overall majority

God only knows what will happen after 7 May but whatever it is, it won’t involve an overall majority.

;)
Sad Lexa Doig Fan and PROUD of it!

If you like my covers, please leave a comment.

Awards Showing Recent Awards for PipView Showcase


User avatar
Pip
Administrator
Awards: 2
Posts: 4319
Topics: 583
CoverArt: 561
Resources: 681
Joined: March 17, 2015
Location: Cadoxton, Vale of Glamorgan, South Wales, UK.
Thanks: 78
Thanked: 2938 times in 1075 posts

The following user would like to thank Pip for this post
ctaulbee, sam

Re: Polotics Translated

Postby ctaulbee » Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:10 pm

:LOL :LOL :LOL


Would be even funnier if it were not so true...
Image

Awards Showing Recent Awards for ctaulbeeView Showcase


User avatar
ctaulbee
Webmaster
Awards: 7
Posts: 3711
Topics: 291
CoverArt: 15
Resources: 484
Joined: March 19, 2011
Occupation: The Devil's Hand
Location: Realm of Nightmares
Thanks: 5386
Thanked: 1129 times in 528 posts

Re: Polotics Translated

Postby VincentLupo » Mon Apr 27, 2015 7:07 pm

:LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL :LOL
Image
User avatar
VincentLupo
Panda Administrator
Posts: 5081
Topics: 115
CoverArt: 199
Joined: March 19, 2009
Thanks: 5675
Thanked: 122 times in 69 posts

Re: Politics Translated

Postby sam » Mon May 04, 2015 2:56 pm

:LOL :LOL :LOL

Awards Showing Recent Awards for samView Showcase


User avatar
sam
Voyager
Awards: 3
Posts: 289
Topics: 9
CoverArt: 41
Joined: February 16, 2015
Thanks: 380
Thanked: 24 times in 14 posts


Return to Side Show Detour






Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 40 guests

cron