by Pip » Sat Mar 16, 2019 7:19 pm
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that."
Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
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An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three whiskies.
After he has put them on the bar, the barman says to him”That’s not like you, Paddy, you’re normally a Guinness man!”
Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had my first ever blowjob!”Great!” says the barman,
“Have another one on the house!”
To which Paddy replies, “No thanks, if three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”
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An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have willies.”
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”
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Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
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Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
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Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,
“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”
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Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.
But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
“I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.
“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.
“I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.”
Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin.
It was a good six months later before he ran intoMick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
“You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only” said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.
Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “That’s my old one!”
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Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping
With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.
“Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wanting the biggest one,” he winked.
“You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”
“No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
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