St Patrick

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St Patrick

Postby Pip » Fri Mar 15, 2019 7:35 pm

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Here's your first (in no particultar order) instalment of Irish jokes to get you ready for St. Patrick's Day, Sunday. More tomorrow and Sunday!



After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to

do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.



Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...

Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you

noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for

you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.



**************

An Irishman's first drink with his son!

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding

back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only

two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I

got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might

like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than

beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,

Ireland 's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push

his stroller back home!!!

**************

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown

Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the

drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata

and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya

fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls

off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior

quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

**************

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to

avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as

he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the

trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

**************

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

**************

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

**************

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

**************

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.

'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
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Re: St Patrick

Postby ctaulbee » Sat Mar 16, 2019 6:54 am

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Re: St Patrick

Postby dirk8837 » Sat Mar 16, 2019 3:17 pm

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Re: St Patrick

Postby VincentLupo » Sat Mar 16, 2019 4:21 pm

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Re: St Patrick

Postby Pip » Sat Mar 16, 2019 7:19 pm

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says

“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.

“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,

“Do I have to take them every day?”

No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that."

Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”

“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”

“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,

“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

*************************************************************************************************************

An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three whiskies.

After he has put them on the bar, the barman says to him”That’s not like you, Paddy, you’re normally a Guinness man!”

Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had my first ever blowjob!”Great!” says the barman,

“Have another one on the house!”

To which Paddy replies, “No thanks, if three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”

*************************************************************************************************************

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,

“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”

The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”

“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”

This time the Englishman is really mad!

“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his willie right off, I will!” he shouts.

“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have willies.”

“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.

“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”

*************************************************************************************************************

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”

“Yep.”

“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”

“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”

“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .

What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.

*************************************************************************************************************

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean

“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

*************************************************************************************************************

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,

“Your mum’s the best shag in town!”

Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,

“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”

Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”

Finally, Collins interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re pissed!”

*************************************************************************************************************

Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.

But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.

“I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.

“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.

“I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.”

Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin.

It was a good six months later before he ran intoMick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

“You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only” said Paddy.

Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.

Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.

Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?”

“No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “That’s my old one!”

*************************************************************************************************************

Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping

With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.

“Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wanting the biggest one,” he winked.

“You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”

“No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”

*************************************************************************************************************

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’

The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’

Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional

‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’

This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’

‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …

‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes ..

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’

*************************************************************************************************************
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Re: St Patrick

Postby dirk8837 » Sat Mar 16, 2019 11:53 pm

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Re: St Patrick

Postby VincentLupo » Sun Mar 17, 2019 6:01 am

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Re: St Patrick

Postby Pip » Sun Mar 17, 2019 2:00 pm

Here's your final installment.



Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert.

It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure’ replies Paddy, ‘and I tink it must be some kind of a family heirloom.’‘I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?’‘

No,’ replies Paddy.‘Do yus think I shud?’

‘Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.

*****************************************************************************

Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and 3 whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros

He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note.

“I have kidnapped your dog ..I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..”

Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree, in the park in 2 hours time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.”

He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar and told the dog to go straight home.

Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note …

“Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”


*****************************************************************************

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”


*****************************************************************************

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.

Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,

He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.

In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”

No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.

He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.

So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?


She replied,

FOR FUCK SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!


*****************************************************************************

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”


*****************************************************************************

Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.

Have you looked for the door?”

Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.

There’s a second door that goes into the closet.

And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”


*****************************************************************************

An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, “The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”

Julia Robert was thinking, “The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”

And the Irishman was thinking,

“This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”


*****************************************************************************

Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.

He then takes the last one in the and does the same.

The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?”

And Paddy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick


*****************************************************************************

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.

This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’

The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.

The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Irishman up and asks, ‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

*****************************************************************************

Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:

Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.

The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.

Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted

Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.

‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’


*****************************************************************************

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were having a drink.

“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”


*****************************************************************************

A Texan walks into an Irish pub:

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.

I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

*****************************************************************************
And Finally.




After 35 years, It was Brian the Postman’s last day carrying the post in a quaint Irish village

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who thanked him for his service and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars and Irish Whiskey. “Good Luck to ye, Brian!” They called after him.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of hand-made fishing lures. “Fer yer free time!” They had said.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in an open robe, leaving little to the imagination. She took him by the hand, gently led him inside. She then took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate lovemaking that he had ever experienced.

When they had finished, they went downstairs and she fixed him a proper breakfast tray of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

After all, was said and done, he noticed a pound coin in the corner of the tray. “I’ve had such a wonderful time,” he said, “but what’s the pound for?”

“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. He said, ‘Fuck him! Give him a pound’…but the breakfast was my idea.”


*****************************************************************************


Happy St. Parick's Day.


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Re: St Patrick

Postby VincentLupo » Sun Mar 17, 2019 2:24 pm

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Re: St Patrick

Postby dirk8837 » Sun Mar 17, 2019 8:31 pm

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